~~ Regan's World ~~

Listening to: Rise Against - Survive

 

I would have liked a last lecture when I finished uni.  One where the lecturer passes on their thoughts about the world and where it is headed, and some words of advice on how we should live our lives and direct our energies… It’s what they do in the states, but they are meaningful because they come from the people we should be looking up to as highly regarded scholars of their respective fields.  It is their research that is supposed to be shaping the world.  They are our philosophers; mentors in the world of business and management, and as such should have unique perspectives and understandings to pass to us.

 

It was sad that after spending (just over) three emotionally turbulent years there it was just “Great, you’re done.  See ya”… Perhaps it’s a reflection on the quality of research undertaken at Massey that they have nothing more to contribute to our lives.  Or that they don’t want to.

 

But I thought I’d write one for me.  So this is my ‘last lecture’.  A chapter of reflection and observation.  The way I see things that I perhaps didn’t understand 3-4 years ago, sitting in this exact spot spewing my fury at the world.

 

The world can be a stunning, stunning place.  It can also be severely fucked up, unfair and unjustified.  Most of us know both sides.  The light.  The dark.  We can’t ever control it, but I’ve found it can be influenced, especially by being tenacious. 

 

To survive, you have to know who you are.  You gotta know your personal brand.  I have a lot of respect for people who know who they are. 

 

I’ve spent most of my years trying to work out who I am.  I see people who act in a particular way and think ‘shit, I would really like to be like that person.’  And then soon after I will see someone completely different who I admire and think ‘hang on, I’d like to be like them too…’

 

The end result is that I tear myself between all these different traits that I think I want and get stuck in the middle with no overly distinctive characteristics of my own!  In terms of personal branding and standing out in life, that’s pretty much the worst possible scenario!  What’s more, when put in a situation of ambiguity or decision making, I am torn between these traits and have an incredibly hard time deciding which path to choose.  That leads to a distinct lack of self-confidence.

 

You have to know who you are. 

 

I’m working on it.  I’m trying to establish rules which will help define me, if I follow them.  Better late than never.  All that ‘knowing yourself’ shit takes time anyway.  But its the shit that makes living life easier. 

 

I’ve collected a lot of quotes over the past few years, and one of my favourites comes from Rocky Balboa (strangely).  It goes;

 

Let me tell you something you already know.  The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows.  It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.  You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.  But it ain't about how hard ya hit.  It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.  How much you can take and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done!

 

Once you know yourself, I imagine you can work out what it is that makes you happy in this world.  Then you just spend your life doing it – whatever it turns out to be.  

 

There is no-other purpose to this current life. 

 

Maybe you knew that.  Maybe you’re still getting there.  It doesn’t matter.  Just keep it in mind.

 

This last quote is from one of my absolute favourite songs of this year, and is important to remember when things go bad.

 

We’ve all been sorry.  We’ve all been hurt.  But how we survive is what makes us who we are… That’s what makes us who we are.

 – Rise Against, ‘Survive’

 

Amen.

 

--Regan.

Well, I think this blog has had its day. 

 

I still use the internet lots, but with a full-time job and always being in the middle of something else, this place just got easier and easier to neglect.  A bit like my dev-art account, sadly.

I’ve out-grown my blog in its current form.  I was reading back through the posts the other day and it brought back so many memories.  Each post still has the ability to remind me of almost the exact emotions I was feeling at the time I was writing it, things that are important for me to remember, but Christ, I’ve grown up so much.  It’s like looking back at a photo album.

It still hurts to read some of them.  Others I read in disgust, but knowing that it was being true to how I was feeling at the time.  And then there are those that fill me with warmth and I find myself smiling slyly because there is always more to the story.  Some of them I really do like though.  I don’t have a favourite.  I was pretty stoked to get a comment from the Dirty Duo though!

I was so incredibly angry at the world, and the people who occupy it over a lot of that time.  In many ways I still am, but I’ve settled down a lot too.  I’ve got morals now (sort of) and a better outline of who I am.  Time does heal things greatly though.

It’s good though.  Deep down I’m pretty sentimental, and I like knowing that this blog is a record of many of the events and people that have influenced me over that time.  Some of them will never know how much they have meant to me – I was just another person passing through a phase in their life – but I wish some of them did know.  I could never tell them.

With that in mind though I think I would like to keep the blog going in some form.  I know no one really reads it but just for my own records, especially since I have found I have had no regrets about the posts I’ve put up, which I always assumed I would.

There have been many things I’ve wanted to write on but passed up.  A lot of it reads like an incomplete story because I’m so conscious it is in a public forum.  I also found (frustratingly) that I started to censor myself even more over the last year.  When people you love are involved it’s an inevitable compromise, and you learn to talk. 

 

So, having said all that, this may be either the end, or the beginning of this blog.  I think whichever way it goes; I am about ready to call a close to the period it has covered so far, and start new from where I am in life now.  Perhaps drawing from those posts as I go along.

I do have one final blog planned, but till then just want to say thanks to everyone who’s been in here.  You have a lot to answer for. 

 

--Regan

I figure since it's not too often i wake up and actually have a noticeable feeling of happiness, when it does happen it's worth making a note of .

I think this week is the first time in a long, long time that I've started to see the efforts I am put into the various paths of my life being fruitful.  Even if they are only baby steps, it's reassuring to know that my efforts aren't completely wasted: seeing results with work; at the gym; with my own studies I've been doing; in my relationships with other people... it's a big difference from not so long ago, and it makes me feel a bit more positive in what can be a bitch of a world.

 I hope it's a sign of things to come, but just in case, I intend to savor it all the same.   It's Saturday, and I'm happy .

--Regan. 

Waking up on lazy weekend mornings is quite possibly the best feeling in the world, I have decided.  Well, you know… next to having orgasms.  It’s kinda like a mental orgasm- knowing you have nothing to do and no reason to move other than to pull the duvet up more.  Aaahhhhhh… Ooowwww yeaaa!  And you fall asleep right after anyway. 

 

It’s the best.

 

And since someone so rudely took back the bed I was storing/sleeping in for them, and the fact that I have a job now (woooo!) I’ve decided a new bed is necessary. 

 

Beds are where dreams are born.  My bed in particular is where I form my dreams.  Where I plot and scheme.  Where I imagine the type of life I want to have and how exciting that will all one day be.  Bed is a very important part of the goal attainment process!!  (*It’s also very good for sleeping and other recreational activities).

That said, since I’m looking for a new one I want a bed that I’m really going to love, and for a long time.  They’re expensive though.  Shame that the bed market isn’t crashing like all other markets ritualistically do in October.  Every major stock market crash –ever– has been in October.  ’29, ’87, ’97, ’08… but does the bed marked budge?  Noooooooo.

 

Regardless, I’ve decided I’m going to save my money and try to get a pretty awesome one.  I may or may not have been tempted, in part, by the following description of the importance of a good bed at this website:

 “For example, guys, a slat frame with latex mattress and Egyptian cotton linen will have the same effect on a woman as Heidi Klum in Victoria’s Secret lingerie with a can of whipped cream would have on you. And Ladies, imagine a bed with layers so deep and comfortable that it’s giving you a big hug everytime you lie on it because it missed you and was waiting for you to come home. This is what the 2008 range of beds can offer you!”

Chicks dig that stuff?  Really??  Wow.  Beds are so under-rated! 

Anyway, I went looking for bed pics on DA, as I do, and came across the two awesome bedrooms in the pictures below.  They are sooo fricken cool!  I want my bedroom to look like them.  Or at least the bed part.  All I need is the thousands of dollars to buy one!

But we all need a solid foundation on which to build our dreams, right??

 

--Regan

I start working in two weeks for Air New Zealand.  It has been the most epic journey to get to this point.  Fuck it was painful.  Excruciating in fact; being clouded - day after day - by sheer-desperation and confusion of not knowing where to turn or what to do…

 

Twelve weeks.  Twelve fucking weeks of confusion, false hopes and rejection.  Of interviews, tests and recruitment consultants.  Going around and AROUND in circles, tearing myself apart.  I can’t begin to describe it.  Fucking horrible.  But that’s partly who I am.  I can’t handle being on a road going  no-where.  Though perhaps it leads somewhere in the end…

 

It’s going to be strange I think, because I’m not going in there for the job, I’m going there to get somewhere else.  I’m going in there to learn.  To be taught the processes, the products, the systems, the culture and the people.  Then i'll use it to manoeuvre myself a step closer to where I want to be.

 

Just like back at uni when I was the aviation guy infiltrating the business papers… I’ll be the new call centre guy who takes it and uses it on the way to somewhere else.  My personal stepping stone.  The rest of the people have no idea. 

 

Because I know things they don’t.  I’ve had coffee with people they have never even heard of, and I have a degree none of them could ever come close to. 

 

And, I have a plan. 

 

I guess I have learnt a lot in the last twelve-weeks.  Baby steps.  Even when they felt like regular leaps backwards… off a cliff.  I’ve learnt names and got contacts.  I’ve learnt to sound confident… and how to BS through interviews.  I’ve learnt patience, and how to tie a tie.  I’ve learnt Excel skills… and I’ve learnt DRIVE.

 

It’s as though I’m just coming out of a pitch-black tunnel, and now, strteatching before me is a massive mountain to climb, and I’m at the very bottom.  The top is still shrouded in cloud, but at least I can see a path in the right direction.  All I need is a bit of experience, and a bit more tenacity, and I can pick my way to the top.

 

“You can’t expect to succeed without failing…” someone wise told me down at the snow.  I needed the reality check.  My new advisor.

 

It’s a long road a head. 

 

-Regan.